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assertive

Page history last edited by PBworks 16 years, 2 months ago

These are the notes from the 'Assertiveness Training' on Sunday, January 6, 2008.  Attended by Johnny, Diane, Rich, Jami, Stuart, Jessica and Will

 

Intro

    Who we are, background, experience, interest

    Who are you?  What do you want out of this?

    Goals

    Guidelines

    Outline:

 

 

Conflict Resolution

    Different styles

    What is the role of a Free Ride staffer in conflicts in the shop?

    -discuss!

Assertion!

    Problem statements

    -practice!

    Assertion messages

    -practice!   

    Active listening

    -practice!

    ‘Sexual Harassment policy’

    -discuss!

Resources

 

 

 

 

 

Conflict Resolution

“At the center or heart of every conflict lies a pathway to resolution, forgiveness, and reconciliation.  Therefore, conflicts have the capacity to ensnare and entrap or liberate and transform people, along with their ideas, feelings, intentions, attitudes, relationships, and the systems that created or fueled them.  By opening our minds, emotions, and hearts in conflict, we automatically initiate an evolution to higher orders of conflict and resolution.”                                              --- Kenneth Cloke   

 

 

Different styles of conflict:

Avoiding

(+) Postpone a crisis or conflict that you cannot deal with at the time, Provides "cooling-off" period, May make sense if issue is trivial, May make sense if no chance of "winning"

(-) Does not resolve the problem, Leaves anger, hurt feelings and resentment           

 

Accommodating or Smoothing

(+) Maintain friendly relationship, Makes sense if the issues are more important to the other party, Acceptable if outmatched or losing, Perception of concern or altruism, Hope that others learn from mistakes

(-)Resentment, being used or cheated, Sense of being owed something for "giving in"            

                                                  

Competing or Forcing

(+) You might win, Useful when quick action is vital, Useful when unpopular action has to be taken

(-)Other side loses, You might lose, Need for revenge?         

 

Compromising

(+) Quick and easy solution, Minimum effort Timely, Partial satisfaction for both parties, Useful for temporary solution

(-)Not necessarily the best or sustainable solution

 

Collaborating

(+)"Getting to Yes!" "win-win" Considers mutual needs and interests, Satisfaction of both parties, Long lasting solution

(-)Difficult to bring about, Time Consuming, Requires commitment, Requires skill

   

 

topics of discussion.....

What is the role of a Free Ride staffer in conflicts in the shop?

What style of Conflict Resolution best fits the Free Ride mission?

Even with all these skills, and despite your best efforts, sometimes things aren’t going to work out how you want them to.

We’re not in a role as Free Ride staffers to work on people’s social skills.

We are in a position where we need to put up with some of peoples’ BS.

We are also in a position where sometimes we need to be the person who doesn’t put up with peoples’ BS.

 

 

 

Problem statements

So…..what is a problem statement?

A problem statement is a tool that can be used as a focus for generating options.

In conflicts, people tend to lose sight of their interests and get stuck on their position.

A problem statement can highlight interests and get people un-stuck from positions.

 

Position: a statement of demands or wants

-Often a solution the person sees as the only way to solve the problem

-A statement of an outcome the person would like to see

-Frequently stated as a command

-Often a win/lose proposal

 

Position Examples: 

You never let me work on bikes! 

Stop talking – you’re always offering suggestions nobody wants to hear! 

If you misuse that bike pump, I’ll ban you from Free Ride for a year.

 

Interest: a need or concern underlying a position

-The motivation that caused the person to arrive at a position

-Why the person holds their position

 

Interest Examples:

I like working on bikes!

I like figuring things out for myself

I want the bike pump to function properly

 

 

Forming a problem statement

PURPOSE:

-To state the problem in terms of the interests of all parties

-To foster collaborative problem solving

-To provide a focus for generating solutions

 

 

HOW TO:

-Ask a question that states the problem in terms of the interests of all parties

-Use positive, inclusive, and neutral language

-Make sure all parties agree that if this question is answered, the problem will be solved

 

 

Problem Statement Practice!

Practice 1:

You’re staffing, and two people are fighting over a bike.  They both REALLY want this one bike!  What do you do?

 

 

 

Practice 2:

Johnny is a new Free Ride volunteer.  He has a lot of experience in various other projects over the years and has lots of advice to give.  He really wants to be helpful.  He is very excited about his new bike mechanic skills and gets very frustrated when people don’t seem to want his help.

 

Diane has been a Free Ride volunteer for years.  She likes staffing, and enjoys working one-on-one with people in the shop, particularly helping people figure out how to fix things on their own.

 

Situation:

Diane is working on a bike with someone.  Johnny comes over and offers advice.  Diane is annoyed that he’s always talking.  Johnny is annoyed that she won’t ever let him help.

 

 

 

Some 'answers' we came up with....

Interests:

(note….try to avoid making a list of ‘Diane’s interests’ and ‘Johnny’s interests’.  Think of the interests present in the situation as a whole.)

Helping people learn how to work on bikes, teaching bike maintenance skills, working on bikes, social interaction

 

Problem Statement:

How can we find a way for me to teach people bike maintenance skills, and for you to work on bikes and interact and talk with people?

 

Asking this question will not end the situation, but the answer to this question is the solution to our problem.

 

 

Assertion!

    Assertion messages

 

Umm….what is an assertion message?

An assertion message is a clear, assertive, and non-threatening way of telling another person how you feel when something happens, and why.

 

ASSERTION MESSAGES SHOULD:

-Focus on you

-Describe the specific behavior or situation that is a problem for you

-Describe the impact on you or the group of the behavior or situation

-Communicate your interests or needs

-Describe your feelings

-Be addressed to the person with whom you are in conflict

 

 

ASSERTION MESSAGES SHOULD NOT:

-Focus on the other

-Blame or criticize

-Assume the other person has the same understanding of the situation

-Name call

-Assume the other person knows how you feel

-Generalize

 

 

Assertion Message Example!

I get really agitated when you, as a car driver, make jokes about hitting cyclists. To me as a cyclist, a car is a deadly weapon.  And I don’t think jokes about using deadly weapons are very funny.

 

 

 

Assertion Message Practice!

ABC Formula for using Assertion Messages (I-messages)

A. I feel/get/am        B. When       C. Because

 

 

-You’re a Free Ride staffer, and you see a person take a tool out of another person’s hand.

I feel…when…because…

 

 

-You’re talking during a meeting, when someone interrupts you and says “We don’t have time to talk about this”

I feel…when…because…

 

 

-You’re staffing Women and Trans night.  A cis-man comes into the shop.  After explaining what Women and Trans night is, he says “But, can I just come in and get this one part?”

I feel…when…because…

 

 

-Someone comes to pay for a bike and says the price is too high.  After explaining this is a volunteer run shop, etc., they say “Oh…well, how about if I just give you $30 instead of $50?”

I feel…when…because…

 

 

-It is a Saturday afternoon in July.  You’re staffing, and someone comes up and stands right next to you while you’re working on a bike with someone else.  You’ve already told two other people you’ll help them next.  The person standing next to you says “I need help” and continues to stand there.

I feel…when…because…

 

   

 

    Active listening

Active Listening Guidelines: Listen without interrupting. Try to understand the other person’s point of view, including their feelings. Tell the other person what you heard.

 

 

Active Listening is: Trying to Understand, Tuning into feelings, Paraphrasing, Elaborating, Clarifying, Respecting, Figuring out, Restating, Keeping eye contact, Nodding

 

 

Active Listening isn’t: Asking Questions, Problem Solving, Moralizing, Defending, Persuading, Arguing, Covering, Telling a story that is similar that happened to you, Comforting, Denying, Interrupting, Judging, Looking Away, Looking Bored

 

 

Some Active Listening Starters:  You seem really upset because…*You seem confused..* I think I understand. You think…* Sounds like you are excited..* I’m not sure I understand. You are disappointed because…

 

 

If you are going to ask a question—ask an open ended question:

Can you tell me what happened? Can you help me understand how this relates to what we were talking about before? Would you tell me specifically how you…?

 

 

Respond to FEELING and CONTENT

 

 

Active Listening Practice!

Why are you involved in Free Ride?

Pair up.  One person, talk for five minutes.  Other person, practice actively listening, and don’t say a word for five minutes.  When time is up, switch.

 

 

 

‘Sexual Harassment policy’

Discuss and revise?

ummm....we didn't get to that

 

 

 

Resources

 

 

 

The Pittsburgh Mediation Center

Conflict Resolution class and Transformative Mediation training

24 hour help-line: 412.392.8582

100 Sheridan Square, 2 nd Floor

Pittsburgh, PA 15206-3019

Phone: (412) 365-0400

Fax: (412) 365-0600

http://www.pittsburgh-mediation.org/

 

 

 

Pittsburgh Action Against Rape (PAAR)

24 hour free hotline: 1.866.END RAPE (363.7273)

81 South 19th Street,

Pittsburgh, PA 15203-1852

Office phone: 412.431.5665

http://www.paar.net/

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